Change...

Its amazing how quickly my inner landscape can change. Anyone who has spent more than 20 minutes with me knows how fast I can cycle through emotions. I began the day morose and solemn, yet ready to do the work to redeem myself not only to others but to myself. Perhaps it was the fact that I admitted my lack of perfection that I feel so upbeat as this day comes to a close. The afternoon brought frustration, a since of loss, an aura of displeasure, and plenty of tears. Then the vibrancy of the new students brought nervousness and excitement. With tonight's start of my Kente Cloth Weaving class I've become elated and ready to take on the world. I often wish I was more even keel. That I was able to more easily roll with things. That's another thing that I need to work on. This place is changing me and I think its a change for the better.

I'm a work in progress....

This isn't a post about how wonderful this place is, this is a post about something I'm coming to terms with as far as my personality goes. If you choose to comment on this post know that,  I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being honest.

After years of denying this simple fact, its finally sunk in over my few weeks out of "reality". I have a tendency towards being very cold and cruel to those who love me most. Exactly why this is I'm unsure. It is however something that has been going on since I was very young. Perhaps it has to do with some early childhood trauma that I've repressed. I'm unsure. Those in my immediate family have spent so many years dealing with it, that they've grown to accept it as an unspoken truth. Well with the exception of my mom, who reminds me of this poor behavior at least once every couple of years. I can remember her trying so hard to correct this behavior when I was in grade school. I've never wanted to believe that I'm not a nice person, but sometimes I'm just not. I know that there are few people who really are nice all the time, but when I'm mean, I tend to take it to an emotionally unfeeling, cold, numb place that most people don't.

I know that this has affected friendships, but I think to a lesser degree. Perhaps because my friends don't have to live in close quarters with me. Although I can recall one incident in which I allowed my disregard for a very close friends feelings nearly ruin years of friendship. Luckily, she forgave me for being such an asshole.

I often place blame on the other person in my romantic relationships for the bad behaviors they have, and claim that they have wreaked our time together. This isn't always the case. True that its often that we are both to blame, but its time I start taking a bit more responsibility for my role in it all. I have a lot of baggage that others have caused but a lot that I've gathered to protect myself. I use it as a shield against those who care about me. Which is completely unfair.

Over the course of the last three years I've sincerely hurt someone who I deeply care about. I don't know how to mend any of the hurt I've caused. Maybe I'll never be able to fix any of it. Maybe the wounds are too deep and the trust too broken. I hope its not. All I do know is that I'm sincerely sorry for all of it and that I honestly hope that some day they can forgive me for my distant coldness. That they can forgive me for setting up scenarios, whether I know I am or not, that doom them to fail. That they can forgive me for letting go before I gave our relationship a chance. That they know how much I really do care for and love them and that I understand why they might not believe that I do.

I'm hoping that someday I can let go of this part of my personality. That I can move past it and love with wild abandon. That I can stop being hurtful and distant. That I can trust that the other person isn't trying to hurt me and that I don't need this cold wall I always erect to save myself. I'm going to start making more of an effort to really think about how I'm treating those who care about me. To rein in the venom that often falls from my lips and to be more present in the time spent together.

I often spend too much time rehashing the past and fearing the future. This makes it impossible for me to be present in the moment. This affects my relationships in a way that is personally isolating. I don't make time for the other person when they need me and I don't practice active listening. Its a shame that all the years of working in the Mystery Tradition with Diana's Grove didn't teach me this lesson the way I wish it would have. Somewhere over the last six years all of those days and nights spent bettering myself, spent working on my integrity all faded away. I became the same self-serving person I was as a teenager and I hate it. I'm once again completely unaware of how I treat those around me and that's no one's fault but my own. I let years of transformational work waste away. All I can do is ask myself, "Why?". All I can do is start over from today.

I have hope that those who I've hurt will help me to regain my integrity. That they care enough and love enough to support me through this challenge.

Its a busy life at the folk school...

Another week has come and gone, and I've realized I haven't posted since I got here. This is a busy place to live. Plus, I'm always surrounded by people, so there isn't a whole lot of time to just sit and blog. Even now there are 10 people within 20 feet of my spot in the living room. I'm adjusting to the constant company, but I do cherish the few hours a week that silence falls over campus and I can relax. I feel like my lack of time to chat with those back home is effecting my relationships in ways I'd hoped it wouldn't. I hope it all settles and I can stop feeling torn.

My classes are going very well. So far I've taken Pine Needle Basketry, White Line Printmaking, and Fair Isle Knitting. Here are pictures from basketry and printmaking. I'll post pictures of the Fair Isle Hat I made once I'm done blocking it.